SATIRE: SGA Minutes

Shortly before the customary prayer and Bible verse reading, SGA President John Pearce led the Senate in the pledge of allegiance, Canada’s national anthem (?), and, last but not least, everyone’s favorite, “Homage for Satan.”

SGA Senator Thomas Celles finally got to approve meeting minutes with his motion, and promptly burst into tears. “This has been such an honor. I can’t believe I’ve been recognized after the entire semester!”

Once again, SGA Advisor Shayne Creppel didn’t come to the SGA meeting or send a report.

SGA Bill SP.SB.2017-05 was passed, which details that the only approved greeting gesture is by throwing a literal pitchfork into the person’s eye you are speaking with.

Speaker of the House Htet Htet Rogers banged her gavel so hard that a small earthquake shook the Student Union and blew eardrums out, causing several senators to visit Health Services and then leave with free candy and condoms because that is all the department can provide to students.

SGA and SAB will host a guest speaker, the voice of Tommy Pickles from the Rugrats, on May 5, because they literally could not book anyone better despite the large amount of money in the Speaker Fund.

For the remainder of the meeting, SGA members whispered the lyrics to NSU’s fight song for approximately 12 minutes.

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