SATIRE: SAB uses philanthropy to self-promote

ALEC HORTON
Visual Editor

During midterms week, students noticed advertisements on campus for a fundraising event benefiting the Natchitoches Humane Society. The NSU community is no stranger to having dogs to play with during high-stress times during the semester (see: Puppies & Papers), but the peculiar scheduling of the event caused Charlie Fontenot, The Current Sauce PR manager, to “call shade.”

“I was at the meetings where they started pitching ideas for spring semester events,” Fontenot, who is also an SAB member, said. “[Event planners] were so enthusiastic about this original idea and didn’t make it known they were blatantly stealing it from The Current Sauce.”

Veterinary technology major Jason Sudermann volunteered with The Current Sauce to help take care of the animals during Puppies & Papers in October. When he helped with SAB’s event, he noticed a different tone from event organizers.

“At the first [event], it was obvious the newspaper staff just wanted students and the dogs and volunteers to all have a good time, and maybe pick up a newspaper,” Sudermann said. “I don’t know how SAB managed to do this, but they found a way to make [Don’t Stress the Test] all about them even though it was a fundraiser for the humane society.”

After checking security cameras in the newspaper office, two SAB executive board members were shown breaking in and using the computers to hijack files used by The Current Sauce for Puppies & Papers. They also defecated in the coffee maker and wrote praises to popular (?) singer Meghan Trainor on the whiteboard.

Editor-in-Chief Trashley Dorpe said SAB’s Don’t Stress the Test event may have raised much-needed money for the animal rights organization, but ultimately, it was clear their motive was to keep The Current Sauce from doing its own events by scheduling it during midterms when the newspaper typically hosts Puppies & Papers.

“We kept the vandalism quiet at first,” Dorpe said. “Take our files, fine. Poop in our Keurig, fine. But to worship the detestable Meghan Trainor in my office? That’s where I draw the line.”

We see you, SAB.

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