NSU News Services
“Press Release” by Gerald Cucumber
We at NSU are proud to unveil our new slogan: Dedicated to one goal. Your$.
This honest, simple slogan really gets at the heart of what we are committed to at this university. We promise to dedicate ourselves wholeheartedly to spending students’ money.
Lots of exciting improvements have been planned for the upcoming years. Of particular note is the administration’s plan to improve
their office suites. Students who pop in will be pleasantly surprised to see new sofas, new desks and high definition smart TVs. We may even throw in some of those nifty treadmill desks. Who knows?!
Will students get to see their money applied to improving the quality of their lives here at NSU? Kind of.
Buildings will get facelifts, but we’re pretty sure this will just make the Wi-Fi situation worse. We’ll do anything for the aesthetic though! Besides, pretty buildings are a much
better recruiting tool than internet access, and we have to make sure plenty of new students enroll because more students = more money.
We are asking that students be patient with us as we try to think of inventive ways to spend their money. As always, we will keep things as secretive as possible until we are ready to unveil our improvements.
To our dear $tudents: thanks for the funding you so generously provide, sometimes at the cost of your own personal wellbeing and happiness, and as always, Fork ‘em, Demon$!