SATIRE: In loving memory of The Body

ASHLEY WOLF
Editor-In-Chief

NSU students are mourning the closing of The Body, a popular college bar that closed in January. It was a fateful night when students heard the owners would never reopen the bar.

“Maybe you don’t understand, but The Body was more than a bar; on Thursday nights, it was our home,” sophomore Katie Woodhead said. “The Body was just…well, it was special. It was a place all heterosexual members of a Greek organization could feel welcome, and that’s not something you see everyday.”

NSU students were so affected by the loss of their Thursday-night home, the NSU Counseling Services set up a weekly support group to help students cope.

“Where are we supposed to go on Thursday nights?” junior Alex Douchenbag said, sobbing. “I keep telling myself that this isn’t real, but I just can’t pretend anymore. The Body is gone, and I will never move on.”

Several students from the support group were triggered by The Current Sauce’s news coverage of the bar’s closing, specifically noting the lack of an obituary. They aired their grievances on Twitter, and the posts went viral online. People across the globe couldn’t believe what had happened to the beloved bar.

“I have no reason to ever visit Natchitoches again if The Body isn’t there,” Austrian 22-year-old Heidi Lahren said. “And the very nasty newspaper, The Current Sauce, is just fake news. You know how I can tell they are fake news? Because they did something I didn’t like at all.”

NSU student Calvin Beerpong tweeted, “No eulogy for The Body? The Current Sauce is extremely biased and liberal.”

Counselor Shauna Higgins said the support group is helping students deal with their complicated feelings of anger toward The Current Sauce as well as the guilt many students feel when they attend the Press Box, a newer sports bar in the Natchitoches area. Higgins said some of the students feel they can never love another bar again, but she urges them to try new bars so they can eventually move on.

“Every time I walk into the Press Box, I just feel like I’m betraying the bar that taught me everything I know about being a college student,” Hannah Dullerton said. “I miss the vomit-tinged air and the smell of a thousand cigarettes invading my nostrils. I miss waking up with my own puke next to me in bed on Friday mornings and the excitement of not knowing what I did the night before. It’s just not the same at the Press Box. And you know what the worst part is? I never got to say goodbye.”

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