SATIRE: Administrators bow down to random parents’ command

ALEC HORTON
Visual Editor

Former NSU President Dr. Jim Henderson previously told students and faculty the historic natatorium on campus would remain standing in hopes that a grant or private donor would fund its renovation. The building has been unused since the birth of Jesus Christ (God rest his soul), and many students wonder if anything will ever come forth from this relic.

One of the darker secrets of the natatorium is that it serves as a popular spot for students who smoke cigarettes to hide from university police and decompress, disobeying the state-wide ordinance against tobacco on public campuses. The discovery of this phenomenon has prompted university police to advocate for the demolition of the building.

“Of all the terrible things that happen on this campus, cigarette smoking is, without a doubt, the most horrific crime we have to patrol,” Chief John Dexter said. “When we have to bust students for smoking, we are often attacked. It’s really a tragic situation for everybody involved. It’s so hard to watch students lose their shit over one cigarette. Things would just be easier without the natatorium facilitating crime.”

Administrators ignored officers’ pleas to end the violence because “blue lives don’t matter. Get woke.”

However, after one parent witnessed students smoking behind the natatorium, she sent a strongly-worded email to the president’s assistant. The parent, identified only as “The Crimson Buzzkill,” successfully convinced administrators to ignore Henderson’s wishes and confirm the demolition project without any further correspondence or input from students and faculty.

Super-super-super-super-super senior James Leach is just one of many students upset by the administration’s apparent spinelessness.

“She doesn’t even go here!” Leach said, referring to the snitching parent who does not attend NSU. “Back in my day, we could just open a classroom window and light up during a lecture. These cowards [administrators] need to fight for the American tradition [tobacco growth and consumption].”

Sophomore Kasi Patten is unsure of what the future holds, concerning her anxiety and aggression, without having a nearby spot to smoke.

“I can’t go two hours without a cigarette, or I will start uncontrollably shouting at people,” Patten said. “Losing my favorite smoking spot on campus scares me, because it means I am subjecting myself, friends and teachers to needless trauma caused by a lack of nicotine in my bloodstream.”

A detailed timeline for the demolition of the natatorium has not been announced, but administrators say a shrine to Dr. Henderson will stand in its place by spring 2018.

“History, shmistory; health, shmealth, right?” Vice President Jonathan Antoinette said. “Obviously, a statue and courtyard commemorating the incomparable Jim Henderson would serve this campus community better than a pool would. Who even swims anymore, bro?”

NSU: worshiping false idols since 2015.

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